


The Request

by aperrywilliams



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-01
Updated: 2020-08-03
Packaged: 2021-03-06 07:33:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 13,900
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25639570
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aperrywilliams/pseuds/aperrywilliams
Summary: Reader is the Spencer’s best friend and although she has some doubts she'll ask him to do something big for her.
Relationships: Spencer Reid/Reader
Comments: 2
Kudos: 44





	1. Part I

A new Monday. As always, I arrived to work 20 minutes before the usual check-in time. That gave me enough time to make my coffee and (Y/N)’s who should be arriving soon.

But time passed and there were no signs of (Y/N). That was odd. Maybe she faced a huge traffic jam. I was about to call her when I saw the elevator doors open, showing the (Y/N)’s figure. I breathed a sigh of relief at the sight of her. She was okay. At least I thought so.

When she passed through the glass doors I noticed her expression and concern returned to my me. Watery eyes, she walked with difficulty and dropped shoulders, as if she had a great weight on her body. Without a word she slumped into the chair next to her desk. Which was strategically next to mine.

She stared at the folders on her desk for several minutes almost without blinking. She hadn't even taken off her jacket and still had the purse on her lap. (Y/N) was clearly not okay.

“(Y/N)… are you ok?”. I asked. I couldn’t help but showed my concern about her. Hearing my voice, she realized that she was not alone and hastened to say something, trying to hide what was happening to her with a fake smile.

“Hey… Spencer. I’m sorry. I didn’t greet you…”. But I knew. Her voice was almost inaudible and it sounded cracked to me.

“It’s ok. You don´t need to. But… are you ok?." I asked again. She let out a heavy sigh.

“No. I’m not” she confessed. I got up from my chair and approaches to her.

“What’s wrong? You can tell me…” I said with the hope she could trust me enough and tell me what happened.

“I don´t want to. It´s so embarrassing and hurting. I don’t know how even I managed to get my ass here”. (Y/N) shook her head avoiding my gaze that was fixed on her.

“Please, maybe I can help”. She looked at me with her puffy eyes and a soft smile. For me were the most beautiful eyes on Earth even if they had been crying a river.

“Not here. Can we get a coffee in the cafeteria of first floor?. I don't want anyone on the team to see me like this”. She looked everywhere making sure that no one was looking at us.

“Of course. Come on”. I grabbed my blazer and phone and joined to (Y/N) towards the elevator.

With our coffees, we go out of the building to an interior patio. We sit down on a bench. (Y/N) took a sip of her coffee and started talking.

"Spencer, I broke up with Darren last night." Her expression was a combination of sadness, anger and defeat. It broke my heart to see her like this.

"(Y/N)... I didn’t know. I’m so sorry. But why? What happened?”.

"This is the part that I'm ashamed of ...". Her hands was trembling and I could see how new tears formed in her eyes and were rushing out. I just took her free hand and squeeze it gently to try to comfort her. She looked up at the ceiling trying to hold back the tears and then kept talking.

“The son of a bitch was cheating on me! And the worst part... is that I only knew it because yesterday morning his other ‘girlfriend’ appeared at the door of 'our' apartment saying she was pregnant with his child.” At this point (Y/N) started to cry wildly.

Oh God . This was worse than I thought. It was like a _bad movie_. Very bad movie.

"What?" I tried to hide my face of shock, but it was difficult. It really was like a bad joke. Although I'm not going to lie, it always seemed to me that Darren was an asshole and didn't deserve to be with (Y/N), but it wasn't my decision and if he made her happy, that was enough for me. Also they were together for a long time almost as long as the time I had been working with (Y/N).

"I know. How I didn’t realize before?. Spencer, I was so silly. I’m a profiler and my boyfriend has been cheating on me systematically for so long! And the bastard got another woman pregnant!”. The sobs had subsided. Now anger and resentment dominated her voice. I didn’t expect less from (Y/N). If I could have smacked him myself at that moment I would have done it gladly.

"I'm so sorry (Y/N). You don't deserve to be going through this." I opened my arms and wrapped her in an embrace. I hoped that would help in part. At least so she knew she wasn't alone in this.

"I don't know Spencer. I’m so confused. I really thought things were fine…”. (Y/N)' sobs returned, but now they were muffled in my chest. I wish I could have done more.

(Y/N) returned to the BAU feeling a little better after a few weeks of leave that Hotch granted her without asking too much questions. During this time away from work I made sure to visit or call her every day to check on how she was feeling. When I visited her, we talked a lot, drank coffee, watched movies or went out for walk. I think I did a good job as a best friend, making her focus, at least in those moments, on something other than her breakup.

I must admit my selfish being felt some happiness knowing that (Y/N) was no longer with Darren. Although the remorseful side of me felt bad about it. They were conflicting feelings to me. I didn’t like to see (Y/N) hurt for her breakup, but I could not bear to see her with someone who didn’t love her as the _great woman_ she is.

The day she returned to work the first thing she did was hug me tight and thank me for being there for her. Though honestly I couldn’t imagine myself doing something other than what I did.

Months passed, but (Y/N) was never the same. I don't blame her. Surely she thought was going to marry Darren. Before what happened, (Y/N) always was showing her happy spirit to everyone. And it was contagious. She constantly was in a good mood, even making Hotch laugh. Now she looked silent, withdrawn. During the flights it was more frequent to see her in the furthest jet' seat reading or deep in thought instead of playing poker with the rest of the team.

On one of those flights, I sat next to her. When (Y/N) saw me, closed the book she was reading and looked at me with a smile. At least I had open access to (Y/N)'s smiles, and that soothed me, although I knew there was an internal struggle in her head beyond all the things she had entrusted to me before. I didn't know what it was, but it sure kept her uneasy.

"You missed poker," I said smiling.

"I didn't feel like losing today," she replied, resting her head on my shoulder.

“Me neither, and JJ ended up winning. I'm disappointed in myself”. I tried to joke.

"Yes, that speaks very badly of you Dr. Spencer 'Vegas' Reid." She let out a genuine laugh that filled my heart. For a second I felt the old (Y/N) reappear. But as soon as she let out that laugh, that was how quickly it disappeared, giving way to a deep sigh.

"What is it? Where does that sigh come from?" I dared to ask her. After a brief second, she replied.

"I'm tired. This case was hard,” she said. I took her hand and started stroking it with my thumb.

"Yes I know. But I think there is something else that bothers you besides the case itself.” She raised her head to look at me and smiled again.

"I have to rehearse my poker faces with you, apparently," she said with a frown .

"Or you could just tell me what's going on" I replied stroking her hand without releasing it.

"True. I could...”

"You should. We are friends, aren't we?”. That reason works 99% of the time with her. She nodded. After a few minutes in silence, she broke it.

"There's something I haven't told you about this whole situation with Darren... and that's what has kept me thinking for a while..." She paused her story for a few seconds. Possibly she was thinking how to find the right words. "For a time with Darren we were trying to have children..."

I couldn't say I was completely surprised. (Y/N) was in a relationship with her boyfriend for almost 4 years. It was reasonable to think they were ready to start a family at some point. I didn't like the image my mind was picturing, but it was something to be expected.

“And well, at some point we realized maybe there was a problem. But we didn't want to delve into that and time passed. After what happened, I kept thinking… if he did it with another woman, maybe I was the one with the problem…”. (Y/N) paused a little to examine my face.

"Are you blaming yourself for not getting pregnant ?" I asked her.

"Yes. I did. But as good Dr. Reid always says, 'Look for the evidence first.' And that's what I did next . A while ago I went to the doctor and had many tests. And... yes, the big conclusion is I’m the problem... it is very likely that I can never have children by my own, Spencer." I could see how (Y/N) bit her lower lip to avoid showing the wave of feelings that were surely stuck in her chest at that time.

"(Y/N)... how can you be so sure of that ...? Maybe if you talk to another doctor...". She put one finger from her free hand to my lips to stop me from speaking.

"Spencer, it's okay. You don't have to say or do anything. I'm telling you so that you know I trust you and that I'll be fine. I just have to get used to the idea…”. It was obvious she had been thinking about this subject for a long time, because she managed to contain herself and be strong. I raised her hand taken with mine and brought it to my lips to stamp a warm kiss.

"You know you can count on me for anything, right?. Whatever, what you need. If you want a second opinion, I can help you find one. Or if you just want to talk about this…”. I said outlining a smile and looking directly into her eyes so she knew my words were true. I didn't know what else to offer that could help her. Sure she felt overwhelmed. (Y/N) nodded and a "thank you" came from her lips before resting her head on my shoulder again.

It was hard not to think all the times in the past few years when I might have noticed signs of (Y/N)'s intentions. Some things made sense to me. Sometimes we joked about a faraway future. Most of the time she hinted a wish of having a big family, a house, and a dog. I wanted it too, and I always told her I was sure she would get it before me.

Weeks passed and in our conversations with (Y/N) the subject didn’t return. A couple of times I tried to ask her how she felt about it, but she just shrugged, told me she was accepting it, and then changed the subject. So I chose to drop it and trust when she was ready to speak, she would.

One morning arriving at the BAU after a case and before going to our respective places to sleep, (Y/N) approached me and asked me to go at her apartment for dinner at night. I stared at her with intriguing eyes. Seeing my face, she hastened to explain.

“I wish we could talk, but now we both need to sleep. Today at 8:00 works for you?”. I nodded accepting the invitation. Maybe she was ready to talk.

When she opened the door greeted me with a smile, but I could immediately perceive some nervousness in her. I couldn't tell the reason. I also didn't want to ask, yet. We sat down to eat and with (Y/N) only talked about trivial things: the last case, about the book she was reading, that she talked to her mother that afternoon, that the car was faulty and she had to send it to repair. I kept noticing the anxiety and the times I glanced at her, she tried to avoid prolonged eye contact with me.

We were drinking the post dinner coffee and I couldn't stand the insecurity anymore. I had to ask what was going on.

"I don't think you asked me to dinner just to talk about these things ..." She shook her head and settled into the chair to try to calm her nerves, which were already evident by now.

"It’s true. There is something 'less trivial' I want to talk to you about,” she confessed before taking another sip of her coffee.

"Well. I'm all ears. You can tell me. You know you can tell me anything and trust me, right?"

"I know. And I really appreciate it. I couldn't be discussing this with anyone else." She paused for a few moments, rested her hands on the table, intertwining her fingers . "Okay. Do you remember I told you about I was trying to get pregnant when I was with Darren, about my suspicions, and my visits to the doctor?”

“Yes, I remember. You never wanted to talk about that again."

"Yes. I was trying to get used to the idea. But, I don't know, I didn't want to quit yet. Although I don’t like to keep false hopes. The thing is, I listened to you and asked for a second opinion. I got new tests and the results are similar to the first time... only they opened up a little hope for me.” (Y/N)’s eyes lit up as she said it.

"That is good news, isn't it? What did they tell you?" I was quick to ask.

"I have a chance if I try artificial insemination. Now we both know what the odds mean… they are not certainties…”

“I know… it's still good news, isn't it? Are you going to try?”

"Yes. I _want to_ do it” she said with determination.

"And what is coming now?" It wasn’t an easy question. (Y/N) was not in a relationship right now.

"Now I have to get a sperm donor. It could be an anonymous donor since I currently have no partner…”

"I understand and yeah, and anonymous donor is an option if you don't want to wait for a partner… ”

"Yes. I would have liked that. But by now it's not possible… and I don't want to wait to know if it will work or not…”

"I get it. So… you want to try it now.”

"Yes. But... my first choice is not an anonymous donor,” she said suddenly. I looked at her curiously. Could it be she already has a new boyfriend and is what she wants to tell me?

"No?, what is your first option?"

" _You_ ". She said fixing her eyes on me.

I felt like I was short of breath and had trouble swallowing. Was what I was hearing true? Above all the scenarios I had pictured in my mind in those last minutes, this was the least plausible to me.

"Me?"

"Yes. I know it is unexpected and it may seem strange to you, but believe me I thought a lot about it. And I want do this with someone who understands my situation and who I can trust. I don't know... an anonymous donor complicates me and I know that would be the most reasonable thing... but... I can’t. Doctor told me the odds could improve if the potential donor could accept taking some studies and eventually follow a treatment. Spencer, I’m so sorry, I'm pushing you to a difficult situation…”

My feelings conflicted at the time . She wanted me to be her donor. But would that change things between us?. She was asking me for a favor as a friend. What if it work out? Eventually (Y/N) would have a child of mine... where was I in this equation? I held my head in both hands. It was too much to process.

"Yes... I mean, I understand what you are saying. It makes sense, but if everything works out… we'll have a child…”

Doesn't she see the consequences of that?

“If it work out, you have no any obligation Spencer. I only…"

"Yeah, you only need my sperm. I get it…". I got up from my chair and started pacing around the room. My head was running 1000 revolutions per second.

"I don't want this to sound like I'm using you. Sorry. You don't have to accept. Just forget what I said, ok?”

"Why me? Is it just because we are friends?" Surely that last question was not entirely expected, because her face winced.

“Spencer, is everything. Because we are friends, because I couldn’t trust another person as I do with you, because you understand my situation. Because... because you are a wonderful person..."

"You know my genes might not be that wonderful..." I said with a bitter smile.

"Spencer... that's not what I mean, you know that...".

"Would you let me be a part of their life...?".

"Only if you want…". Her watery eyes told me it was true. That there was no bad intention on her part.

"This will make our friendship change, you know that, right?"

"Yes. I know. But it doesn't have to be a bad thing… besides… they are probabilities, right? ”. I nodded. I slowly approached her, taking her chin and lifting her face to me. When she finally looked at me, I started to dry her tears with my thumbs.

“Do you remember I told you that you could count on me for anything? I meant it. Even if you only want my sperm now,” I said smiling at her. That made her laugh a little. She got up from the chair and hugged me tight.

"Thanks... thank you so much!" (Y/N) said as she buried her face in my chest. Her tears were now of joy.

I could only close my eyes and hold her tight against my body. I knew this could be a huge mistake, but (Y/N) deserved a chance and if she believed that I could help her, I was not going to refuse despite all my apprehensions. Although it could mean a future torture just thinking we could have something so intimate in common and still be just friends. Even there were chances it would not work, for me the line between us had crossed.

Would it be possible to go further in the future? Could (Y/N) ever see me with different eyes? With the eyes with which I looked at her every day? Could I allow me to feed that little hope? I expected the future might one day be on my side. I allowed myself to have that wish. Time would tell whether or not I was right accepting her request.


	2. Part II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reader is the Spencer’s best friend and although she has some doubts she’ll ask him to do something big for her.

I don’t deserve a friend like Spencer. I have always been able to count on him, even in the darkest moments of recent years. I would say he is the only person, besides my mother, who knows me so well. Our friendship started almost immediately after I joined BAU over 4 years ago.

It’s true when they say the BAU becomes your family. I feel that way too, but with Spencer it was something more special. The first time we talked, I remember being impressed by the amount of knowledge that was in that brain and it was coming out of his mouth. I understood pretty quickly why they called him the ‘resident genius’, and when the rest of the team seems fed up with Spencer’s ramblings already, I enjoy them to this day.

In addition to his big brain, something that sets Spencer Reid apart is his kind heart, his genuine concern for people. I’m not saying the rest of the team don’t have it, but everything seems so transparent and genuine on Spencer. Over time I learned his good heart persisted despite all the suffering he had to face from an early age. His resilience still amazes me.

I can say I’m one of the lucky people who earned his unconditional love and friendship. His concern and loyalty are bulletproofed. Sometimes I feel bad for not being able to retribute even a small part of what he has given me in all these years. And more now, asking him for something so personal and untimely. I’m not proud of that. I didn’t want Spencer to feel compelled to give me a positive response to my request. But I couldn’t have thought of anyone other than him.

Why him? I have asked myself that question several times. I suppose because our friendship goes far beyond what I could have with another person. And yes, I must confess this also confuses me sometimes. I started thinking about that again after what happened with Darren.

I’m not going to lie, when I started working in the BAU I was attracted to Spencer. To some extent I assumed I was mistaking admiration for attraction. I accepted it that way. I was starting a relationship and didn’t want to mess up things at work, so I just assumed my feelings toward Spencer were admiration, care and concern. I became convinced of that through the years.

But now my world has completely collapsed. The emotional stability I was used to just disappeared. What I believed was safe in my life no longer exists. Dreams, goals… all in doubt and suspense. What do I want for my life now? I still have my job, I have my friends. Is that enough? Is it normal there were days when I just want to just breathe and not have to make any decisions? Not to have to worry about what I would do the next day? The feeling of floating in an emptiness consumed me much of the time after my breakup with Darren. I had to rethink what things I wanted for my life. Refloat my own wishes _stored_ in a drawer.

I think my big conclusion from all of this was I have to do the things I want to do. Don’t give up, even if I fail. Losing the fear of failure. My efforts are on that now. I’m not taking this lightly. Of course I thought about all that it means to bring a new life to the world. Or at least in the possibility of doing it. That is one of my _biggest wishes_ kept in the drawer. And while it may not work, I don’t want to get the feeling that I didn’t try, that I didn’t put any effort into it. I know, they are not the ideal conditions, but after all … is there an ideal condition for this?

My own internal ramblings were interrupted when I saw Spencer walking towards me. We take the morning off to come to the clinic to do new tests and take samples. Of course, we only told the team that Spencer would come with me to the doctor since I hadn’t been feeling well. Nor was it a complete lie.

“Hey…”. He sat down in a chair next to me.

“Hi…”. I replied with a smile and looking at him.

“Have you been waiting for me for too long?”. Spencer glanced his watch to calculate the time he have been away.

“Not. I left the lab no more than 20 minutes ago.”

"And are you okay? Was it painful?”. Despite the fact that I had previously explained to him what the procedure would be, he was still worried.

“Yes, I’m fine. It was not painful. Uncomfortable yes. How did it go for you?”. I also knew what the procedure would be for him, but I thought it was kind of me to ask.

“Well… it’s not so easy jerking off and cuming in a small cup. You need to do some magic to accomplish that”. A blush in his cheeks told me he was some embarrassed.

“I thought men could easy to get that kind of task done.” I joked. Spencer looked me with a shy smile.

“Not really. It’s not a natural environment if you know what I mean.”

"Uhm, I thought this kind of places had all the supplies needed to do that.”

“Not all… I think.”. Spencer sighed heavily.

“A comfortable chair?”

“Yes”

“A TV with porn on it?”

“Yes”

“Naked woman’s printed magazines?”

“Yes”

“What they forgot?”. I couldn’t help to laugh.

“You could think every men are the same. But things that turn us on are not the same, you know?”

“Ok. I get it. I’m sorry if I’m pushing too much”.

“It’s okay. Don’t worry. What happen now?”

“We need to wait. Results will be ready in a couple of days… and, we’ll need to do this again if doctor agree with the treatment. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay. Whatever it’s needed. You know that, right?”. He looked at me with an open smile.

This man is _gold_. I could only reply with an intense kiss on his cheek and barely modulating a ‘thank you’ with my lips.

The days progressed and we had little time to worry about the results of the tests. Three cases on completely opposite sides of the country kept us pretty busy. When I returned from the third case to my place, I received a call from the fertility clinic saying the doctor had analyzed our results and that if we started treatment promptly, we would have a chance of having a successful result. I immediately called Spencer to tell him. I was so happy.

Without hesitation, Spencer took a treatment to strengthen his production of ‘ _little geniuses_ ’. For my part, I had to face a series of injections with hormones and supplements. I had to make changes to my diet and try to be ‘healthier’ in my daily life. I did it without protest. However, the hormonal pump had me at the limit of the bearable. Those days before the 'implantation’ were a torture, and not only for me, but for everyone around me. The team and Spencer himself included.

One day I was in the conference room crying without stopping. Every person who came to ask me what was happening received a yell from me and a ’ _leave me alone_ ’ in response. It was evident that it didn’t go unnoticed. What’s more, I’m sure they went to ask Spencer what the hell was wrong with me. I couldn’t control myself. From one moment to the next, Spencer entered the room and saw I was sitting in one of the chairs with my head between my knees and covering my head with both hands so that no one would see me.

”(Y/N)…“ he said sitting in front on me and taking one of my arms so I stopped covering my head.

"I know what you are going to say. But I can’t help it. I’m sure they already asked you what was happening to me.”

"Yes… they are worried.”

“What did you tell them?”

“That you were going through difficult days, that your doctor had adjusted your medication doses and that had you out of balance." 

“Thank you…” I muttered. “Fuck Spencer! This stupid hormones!… I’m crying and can’t stop…”. I felt my body tremble because I couldn’t stop crying.

“I’m sure it’s pretty normal…”. Spencer tried to hug me to try to calm me down.

“Normal or not I don’t like it…”. I replied letting out hard sobs.

“Eventually you’ll feel better soon…”. I know he was trying to reassure me, but in my anger blindness I didn’t get it.

“I don’t want feel better soon… I WANT IT NOW!”. I yelled him. It was a shout too loud for he jumped up and stopped hugging me.

“Maybe if you go home and try to sleep…”. Spencer wasn’t giving up trying to calm me down.

“Damn it Spencer! I just need to blow up!. Leave me alone!”

“Okay”.

That was his last attempt. He got up from the chair and walked to the door to leave me alone with my outburst. At that moment I realized what I did. I quickly got up and grabbed his forearm to stop him.

“Sorry. Spencer, I’m so sorry. Really, please don’t go. I know you are trying to help me. Please forgive me…”

I started crying again. He came closer and hugged me again. This time I accepted his embrace, sinking my head into his chest. I felt so overwhelmed and not clear why.

"You will be fine. You just have to be patient. You have received 5 times the amount of hormones that your body is usually used to having. That affects your ability to handle emotions, among other things. That is why you do not even know why there is times when you feel like this. But I can assure you this effect will diminish, especially after the 'procedure’. Your body will slowly adjust to this.”

I just let out a sigh. The tears stopped falling and I looked at my guardian angel right in his eyes.

"I don’t know what I did to deserve you.” I rose over my feet and gave him a soft kiss on his lips. He said nothing. I could only see some confusion in his eyes. I’m also not sure why I did it, but it was what I felt I should do. Spencer was about to say something, but at that moment Penelope entered with something in her hands.

“Boy Wonder told us you were not feeling so well, so I made you this hot chocolate. I’m sure you’ll feel better with this”. She said that, handing me the mug.

“Thank you Penelope. And, please forgive me for how I treated you today”

“Don’t worry my little one, we’ve all been through bad days, right, Boy Wonder?”. Spencer nodded, with his hands in his pockets.

“Well, I’ll go back to my desk. If you need anything else (Y/N), let me know.” Saying so, he left the room.

Spencer was right. After the fertilization procedure, my hormones started to regulate a little, as well as my mood. Although the procedure was quite uncomfortable, at all times he was with me. I had to ask for a few days of leave in order to recover a little. Those days the team was out of city for a case. Spencer called me every night to ask me how I was doing. I didn’t want to admit it, but I was anxious.

In addition to the anticipation, there was something more stuck in my head. I began to see my relationship with Spencer differently. I mean, it’s not that we stopped being friends from one day to the next, but I felt the need to be close to him all the time. I tried to explain that thinking my emotions were totally distorted. It was possible. But without realizing it, I began to notice things about him that I had not taken attention before. His eyes seemed more beautiful to me than before, they spread a serenity that I had not found before. His smile was able to lift my spirits even though it might be the worst day of my life. Feeling his hands stroking my back gave me pleasure and calm. Every time he hugged me it was like feeling at home. What _was happening to me_?

I was scared to think I could be “using” Spencer to overcome my breakup. Many months had passed since that. But this felt different. Ours was a kind of complicity that I hardly managed with Darren in the years we were together. This was really starting to confuse me. Spencer was right. This was going to change the relationship between us, but I didn’t think the result would be to start falling in love with Spencer Reid. Maybe I was very naive thinking that I could separate things well. The worst thing was that I didn’t even know how to identify what I was feeling in first place. Eventually we could have a child together. How could it not have occurred to me that this could have unexpected consequences between us?

The days passed and to avoid getting more confused, I tried to put some distance between us. He did the same. We spent less time together, talked less on the jet, came less frequently to my apartment. Although at all times he never stopped worrying about me, how I felt or if I had pain.

That afternoon of March rained incessantly. Almost at the end of winter it seemed that heaven wanted to tell me something and I was not going to like it. I was sitting in the doctor’s office. This time I didn’t ask Spencer to come with me. My hands were sweating, my legs were shaking. I knew what the conversation would be about. Throughout the post-insemination cycle there were no signs of pregnancy. Only the confirmation of the doctor was missing to clear my suspicions.

“Sorry. In this process we try all possible methods trying not to be so aggressive with your body. But the results are not as expected. At this point it is minimally likely that you can get pregnant. Now maybe you could try… ”. Before he continued speaking I interrupted him.

"Thank you Doctor. For now I think that’s it. I don’t feel able to do anything else. Maybe… I don’t know, at another time… ” I tried to say it with the utmost integrity that my broken heart and body allowed me.

"It’s okay. I’ll be available for any questions you may have. I’m sorry again.”

And so my hopes were shattered into a thousand pieces. I expected it, but hearing it was much more painful than I thought. To try to calm down I started walking aimlessly in the incessant rain for a few hours. I didn’t mind being soaked, at least that way no one would notice my tears falling.

If I wanted to, my feet took me to the place where I knew I could find comfort. I went upstairs to the second floor and knocked on the door. Quickly it opened, revealing a worried Spencer seeing how I was in front of him completely soaked and with my eyes puffy. Without hesitation he pulled me into the apartment, closed the door, and hugged me.

“Spencer, don’t hug me, I’m soaked.” I said as I raised my arms so he couldn´t touch me.

“I don’t care. Come here.” He knew. He knew exactly what was going on. “Sorry, I’m so sorry,” he said as he kissed my forehead.

“Me too. I really thought it might work…” My strength was over at that moment. I collapsed crying in his arms.

"It’s okay. Cry all you need to. I’m here”.

Spencer tried to comfort me by stroking my back and whispering words of encouragement into my ear. I spent a few minutes sobbing in his arms, until he broke the hug when he noticed that I was starting to shiver.

“Come, let’s dry you and change your clothes”

And we did that. He took me to the bathroom and let me take a shower. He went to his room and looked for some clothes that I could wear. He left everything tidy on the table beside the toilet, along with a towel and left the bathroom.

The hot water helped me compose myself a little. I dried myself and put on the clothes Spencer had left for me. I got out of the bathroom and saw him in the kitchen making coffee and something to eat.

Without saying a word I sat next to the table. Spencer joined me, leaving two mugs of coffee and sandwiches on the table. He sat next to me and took my hand.

“You need to eat. If you don’t want to talk, that’s fine.”

"Thank you. You know what this is about, though, right?”

"Yes I know. So I don’t want to pressure you to have something to say.”

“I’m just disappointed. And although I expected it, it doesn’t stop hurting less. I really wanted it to work.” Tears no longer came out of my eyes. Just sighs from my chest.

"Me too” he confessed.

“Really?. Don’t you feel even a little relief? … after all it was a life for this world. It is not a small thing. You said it before.” Surely my voice sounded hurtful but I didn’t know why.

"Of course not. It was something you wanted… and I was determined to give it to you if it was within my reach.” He didn’t even hesitate to answer.

"Why? Because are you my friend?”. Spencer looked at me oddly. It was not an expected question for him.

“Yes of course. Because we are friends. Because I want to see you happy.” I should have stuck with that answer, but for some reason I wanted to keep pushing.

“Only for that? There is no other reason?”. I really didn’t know why I was doing this. But I couldn’t stop.

“What do you want to ask me (Y/N)? Whatever is in your head, just say it.” I could feel Spencer becoming uncomfortable with the conversation.

“Are you going to deny that you have feelings for me?”. His eyes widened suddenly, but I didn’t see any intention that he was going to say a word, so I kept talking. “Are you going to tell me that in all these years you never thought of me as more than a friend? Did it not occur to you to have something with me?”

I know I was being unfair. I was projecting my own revived desires onto him. But I couldn’t help it. His demeanor changed to a much more defensive one.

“Does that matter now? Do you really care now how I feel about you?”. That was a revelation that I didn’t expect to hear so quickly.

“Of course I care. I always cared. I’ve always cared about you, Spencer.”

“If it really were like that, you wouldn’t be asking me these questions right now when you know I can´t answer those.” He said, standing up from his chair, walking and leaning himself against one of the walls looking out the window avoiding my gaze.

“Why can’t you answer my questions now? Because am I hurt? Because do I have to accept that there are things that I won’t be able to have in my life, no matter how much I want them? Because do I look vulnerable?”

“Exactly. This is not the time for that.”

“I just want the truth Spencer. I’m tired of assuming things, of false hopes, of not having any _fucking_ certainty in my life.”

Spencer looked at me with sadness in his eyes. I’m sure he evaluated all the possibilities in seconds before saying anything.

“Do you want the truth? It’s okay. I will tell you the truth. I’ve been in love with you for years!. I’ve been trying for years to convince myself that the best way to be by your side is by being your friend and leaning on what you need!. I have believed for years that I have done my best to make you happy. And one day you come and ask me to be the father of your child… or rather, the sperm donor.

And if I told you that this was not the time to talk about this, I’m not going to stop now. I told you this was going to change things between us. And now, no matter how hard we put it into making it … it didn’t work. And not only you lost (Y/N). I lost too. I lost my friend, I lost the only thing that kept me happy, which was to make _you_ happy and I lost the secret hope of being the father of a child with you.”

After saying all that, Spencer walked over to the couch and sat with his hands on his knees and head facing the floor. I was speechless. I pushed so hard that now I had a love confession and the person I love the most in this world hurt because of me.

Perhaps if the words were not enough, the actions could help express what I was feeling at the moment. I walked over to the couch and sat next to him. I took one of his hands and squeezed it to look at me. When he did, I moved closer and my lips brushed his. I stayed still a few seconds waiting for his reaction. He did nothing, just closed his eyes.

Without waiting any longer, I let myself go and now I caught his lips with mine kissing him with all the intensity I could. He tried to keep still, but began to reciprocate the kiss with almost the same desire that I felt at that moment.

We started making out in his couch. His hands taking my cheeks. My hands around his neck playing with his hair. Needy kisses, clumsy kisses, intense kisses. All at the same time. I felt wanted. I felt loved. Was it the same as I felt? I had trouble thinking about it in that precise moment. I just knew I needed to feel it, that I needed him. My body and heart had become dependent on Spencer Reid. And that moment, I didn’t mind accept it anymore. Between kisses Spencer tried to speak.

“You asked weeks ago about what turn me on. The answer is _you_. You drive me crazy in all possible ways. You can’t even imagine the whole picture. It’s so frustrating and so addicting at the same time.” He said this words as his lips traveled from mine to the skin of my neck and my collarbone.

“Please, show me… show me how you love me.”. I was begging him to take me right then.

“This is what you want?”. As much as desire consumed us both at the time, he wasn’t going to do anything that I didn’t agree with. So I tried to be as explicit as possible.

“Yes. I need to _feel you_. Make me feel again.”

“This is not a solution, you know?”. Spencer said as he took the edge of the shirt I was wearing and pulled it out. Meanwhile I released his tie and unbuttoned his dress shirt.

“I know, but it helps. Please, just do something.”

That was enough for him. He got up from the sofa, took me in his arms and carried me to his bedroom. He gently laid me down on the mattress, while he began to remove the clothes that were still in my body. He did the same with his garments. He lay down next to me, touching softly my body and looking for my needy lips.

“I could keep touching you all night long, do you know that?”. His raspy voice was almost a whisper in my ear.

“Prove it. Show me you mean it”. Desperate to feel him I just wanted him to not stop kissing or touching me.

“You will gone in the morning”. He said as his fingertips explored the skin between my legs.

“This matters now?”. Spencer shook his head as his fingers moved dangerously to my wet core. The sensation was so pleasant that moans escaped my mouth and I could stop them.

“No. If this my only chance. So be it”. Without leaving his ministration in my body his lips caught one of my breasts, sucking the nipple and letting out moans that made my skin vibrate in pure ecstasies.

“Are… you expecting… I say it back?”. I managed to ask although I wasn’t sure if I wanted to hear the answer.

“No. I’m not expecting anything right now…just I want make you feel good. This is enough for me”

“Spencer, I never… wanted to hurt you…”. Even though my senses were lost between pleasure and lust, I felt like I should tell him anyway.

“I did this to myself… nothing to apologize”.

That was the end of our talk. After that the room filled with only moans, gasps and our names sliding from each other’s mouth. If I had to describe the moment, I must say the times that I could have fantasized about something like this, they didn’t come any close to the reality.

I felt alive again. The warmth of his body was like firewood for my cracked humanity. I let myself go and I let myself be loved. Spencer showed me exactly what his words said earlier. He meant it. And the only way I could think of to show him I cared too was giving him my body and soul that night.


	3. Part III

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reader is the Spencer’s best friend and although she has some doubts she’ll ask him to do something big for her.

When I woke up that morning I opened my eyes slowly trying to avoid the sun rays entering through the curtain. I started rubbing my eyes to clear the blur of my sight. Images from the night before came quickly to my mind hitting me like a train. I looked next to me and there was no one with me in bed. Just me. She had gone. Such as I said to her night before.

It was a strange feeling. I could still taste her kisses on my lips and feel her touches on my body. I could feel the marks of her nails printed on my back for the passion of the moment. A pleasant pain. The pillow had her scent. The sheets had the memory of a night I had dreamed of so many times.

But now there was just emptiness. I would have to treasure this experience only in my memory. There was no going back, but nothing to go on either. I had exhorted my confession. And clearly she didn’t feel the same. I knew it. It was not unexpected. Although I still harbored a small hope that things could work between us. But nothing worked. Our friendship didn’t work. It didn’t work having a child together. It didn’t work being lovers. The signs were clear and all I could do was let her go.

In the following days everybody could feel the tension between us. We spoke little to each other. Sometimes we didn’t even look at each other. We were no longer sitting together on the jet. We rarely had a task to do together. I stopped going to her place. She stopped coming to mine. I didn’t want to be insensitive. I knew she was living her own affliction, but nothing I could say or do would help her. I had already done my part. I may sound selfish, but I was tired. Maybe it was better to leave it. No one asked questions. There were no explanations to give.

***

Distance. It was the best we could do. Unfortunately that didn’t help me to clear my confusion. I thought if I let the days and weeks pass, we would both agree what had happened had been a mistake and it was better not to delve into the subject. But how could we reach this kind of agreement if we didn’t even talk to each other? Even worse, had it been a mistake in first place?

Spencer’s confession was something I really didn’t expect. In my blindness there was only room for me to think he only saw me as his best friend. Which is what he also thought was my vision. In fact, he probably still think about it because I never told him how I felt… or what I thought I was feeling. I couldn’t put it into words. In my upside-down world nothing made sense, so I doubted myself. The night we shared together could have been a way to relieve our own frustrations. But I wasn’t even sure about that. The way he touched me, the way he kissed me, the way he roamed my body with kisses and touches. He was genuine with his feelings, I could feel it. And I wasn’t able to be honest with my own feelings. Again I couldn’t live up to Spencer Reid. I can’t live up to what he need. I don’t deserve him.

One afternoon at BAU, returning from a case, we started doing the usual paperwork. Spencer at his desk silently flipped through the pages of the reports. I was stuck on the first page of mine. Every so often I would look up to see him. He didn’t notice or at least gave no sign of that. I was missing his gaze. His hugs. His smile. Was it true I had fallen in love with him? Or had I never stopped loving him? Could it be all this tragedy only made me realize what I had lost?

After 8 p.m. almost everyone had left the bullpen, even Spencer had finished his paperwork early and left. The only person left besides me was Prentiss. She was probably stuck on papers as I was with my reports. I kept trying to advance my work. I also didn’t feel like going home. My head hurt, but that was not going to be an excuse to leave work unfinished.

After a while moving through the files, Emily spoke to me from her desk. Surely she was surprised that I was so late. Usually, I was one of the people who preferred to arrive early if I had extra work instead of staying late.

“(Y/N)?…”. That made to lift my head and looked at her with half - open eyes trying to focus with the lack of light.

“Uhm?, Emily… what’s going on?”. I asked.

“You don’t usually stay until this hour… I could ask you the same thing, what’s going on?” she asked me back.

“Today I had a hard time concentrating. I have this stack of unfinished reports. I didn’t want to leave without finish…”. That was true. What I excluded was the reason why it was difficult for me to concentrate through the afternoon. She nodded and was silent for a few seconds. She was going to return to her files but stopped and spoke to me again.

“Would you mind joining me with a coffee?… I think a break would be good for us.” Yes, she was probably right. I nodded and got up from my chair on my way to make coffee.

“Wait a few minutes, I’ll bring coffee for both,” I said.

“Thank you (Y / N).”

After a few minutes I came back with two mugs of coffee. I handed hers and I returned to my desk, turning the chair to look at her. Prentiss settled into her chair and propped her feet on the desk. She was barefoot. We remained in silence, each contemplating our own coffee. After an awkward silence, Emily began to speak.

“(Y/N)… I know this is none of my business… but… what happens between Spencer and you?… I mean, you have been close friends for years. Since you arrived at the BAU exactly. We always see you two very close to each other, but these weeks you two hardly spoken. And you look sad. I don’t know, it's… weird” said Emily taking small sips of her coffee.

Was I going to lie? _Yes_.

"I don’t know. Perhaps these weeks have been busier than normal…”

"Can be…”. Clearly she didn’t believe a word of what I was saying. “Although I can’t say if that’s the reason you two look so distant…”. She took another sip of coffee. “Don’t get me wrong (Y/N), what I least want is to get into your private life, but you both are not like that. And Spencer looks so sad too. It’s like if something has pulled you both in opposite ways from one moment to the next.”

I felt like the things that were stuck in my chest started to push to get out. Suddenly I felt an irrepressible desire to cry. I felt alone. Alone fighting against myself. Everything had happened in these months had been like being on a constant roller coaster. I was about to explode. I started to cry. A worried Emily quickly got up from her chair and walked over to give me a hug.

"Hey, little one… come here. Take out all those emotions you have in there…”. I was a pudding standing only because Emily was hugging me, otherwise I would have fallen to the ground from the physical and mental exhaustion of the moment.

Knowing I possibly needed more privacy to unburden, Emily led me into the conference room. She made me sit in one of the chairs and she sat across from me taking my hands.

“I just want to help you (Y/N). We are family. I know you trust Spencer more than any of us, but right now I think even Spencer may be the reason for your sadness. I would like to help you. At least if you want to talk, I’m willing to listen.”

My sobs continued but a little more controlled. I tried to regulate my breathing. She was right, I needed to let it out and Spencer was not an option at that minute.

“Thanks Em. I appreciate this. And I’m sorry if… if in this months I have seemed more distant than I used to be… ”. As I spoke I tried to dry my tears with my own fingers.

“You don’t have to apologize for that. You had a major break up in your life. That’s not erased overnight…” Emily said empathetically.

"Oh Em… believe me that has been the least of my worries in these months…”

And so I said everything. I told her the whole thing. Absolutely all. From my doubts from Darren’s fatherhood. My visits to the doctor. The exams. The diagnoses. The hope. The request. Spencer. My doubts. The failure. Spencer again. And my feeling of still floating in the emptiness.

“Jeez (Y/n), I think that explains a lot of things…” Emily said when I finished my story. I was no longer crying. Spitting everything out made me feel relieved. At least my chest no longer felt stuck.

“Yes, I guess so…”

“Can I ask you a question?”. I nodded. “Why do you have doubts about how you feel about Spencer? What particularly confuses you?”

“I’ve been wondering the same thing for weeks… and I don’t have a specific answer. Remember I told you when I joined to BAU, I thought I had a crush on Spencer? I guess I tried to suppress all of that. I didn’t want troubles. And finally I accepted that friendship was the best thing that could have happened to us. Maybe I still believe that…”

"I don’t know if I would ask my best friend to be my sperm donor without believing there are limits that could be crossed…eventually”

“I know. I guess my anxiety played tricks on me. I should have opted for the anonymous donor…”

"No, I didn’t say it like you made a mistake (Y/N). I think deep down in your heart you have always projected yourself with Spencer in your life. I don’t think you would have thought doing this with someone else. If that’s not love… I don’t know what it is,” Prentiss stated.

"Do you really believe that…?”

“I’m going to tell you something so you can see what I mean. Before you joined to the BAU, Spencer was the type of man who hardly looked comfortable when a woman got too close to him. And we were friends I that time, but I knew he has his limit. And I accepted it. After you came, things changed. Spencer began to better accept displays of affection. He was no longer uncomfortable with hugs, at least ours. And he obviously had his favorite person for them: _You_.“

"I love Spencer’s hugs. I can’t help it…”. I said smiling.

"We know… believe me we know. I have already lost count of how many times we have seen you both in the jet lost in a hug,” Prentiss replied with a laugh.

"And I hurting him every time I emphasized the fact we were just friends…”

“Don’t say that. You have also given him to much love. Maybe not the romantic love he would have expected from the beginning, but if you ask me, you are without a doubt the one who has given him the most love in these years. You have been at his side in difficult moments, you have encouraged him to make decisions in his life. You let him cry on your shoulder. I’m sure in this minute he is equally distressed because he cannot run to you. Why not see this as an opportunity (Y/N)? You deserve each other and that does not mean you need to stop being friends. You two can be much more than that.”

Emily’s words triggered me like a movie: all images of Spencer and me in these years began to project in my mind. It was clear now. I no longer had doubts. Our history is evidence that my heart belongs only to him.

“I love him Em, I definitely love him. I can’t think my life without him. And certainly, whatever comes to me in the future, Spencer is present in all those options.” Prentiss smiled at my words.

"Do you think those doubts have been cleared now?”

“Yes. Definitely. But what do I do now?… I already ruined it. He is hurt and he may even hate me now…”. It was a possibility. Surely he felt I used him and then abandoned him.

"Don’t say that. Spencer could never hate you. And yes, he may be hurt and confused. So it would be good if you both could talk. Be honest with him. Talk about your doubts and feelings. He will understand.”

Would he really understand? Wouldn’t it be I was misunderstanding everything again? If I don’t let myself take another risk, I would never know.

***

How do you rebuild a life when all these years you’ve been orbiting around someone in particular? It’s a difficult question. I thought about several options: from got drunk, going to a nightclub and meeting a woman for one night stand, change my job, leaving town, asking for days off … none of the options convinced me at all. Maybe just self-pity in my apartment was the only thing that seemed mildly acceptable to me at the time. And that’s what I did.

It had been four weeks since that night. I felt lonely. Hopeless. I didn’t want to think any more. I searched my library for the thickest and densest book I could find. I sat down in the reading chair and started scanning the pages. That helped, in part. I managed to forget (Y/N) for a while…

… ¿ _Who am I trying to fool_?, of course it didn’t work. I was engulfed in reading but my brain was in two places at the same time. Sometimes I hated my brain for doing that kind of things.

I don’t know how many hours I was struggling. Trying to think of anything else unrelated to (Y/N). Two knocks on the door got me out of that fight. I looked the clock and it was close to midnight. I wasn’t expecting anyone, maybe it was something important.

I hadn’t seen my phone in hours. Maybe something happened and I didn’t know it. I got up quickly and opened the door. Across the threshold was (Y/N). I opened my mouth to say something but I was not sure what to say.

“Hi Spencer… I’m sorry. I didn’t realize about what time is it. I didn’t want to scare you…” (Y/N) said quickly when she saw my confused face.

”(Y/N)… something happened?…“

"No, no… just… I wanted to know if we could talk a couple of minutes…”. I had rarely seen (Y/N) stutter and it was the times she was really nervous about something.

“It’s almost midnight (Y/N)…”

“I know, I know. If you are busy or on your way to sleep, I can come back another day… I’m sorry…” . She was about to turn around and go the same way that had come to my door.

Not with all the anger and sadness I had, I could have closed the door in her face. I’m not like that. Although sometimes I would like to.

”(Y/N) wait! No I’m not busy right now. I was just reading. Come in…”. I offered, opening the door wide.

“Thank you” was the only thing she said without even making eye contact with me.

She stepped inside and stood in front of me as I closed the door. She was uncomfortable. I motioned for her to come into the living room and sit down. I offered her a coffee. She didn’t accept it. (Y/N) sat down on one corner of the couch. Me in the reading chair in front of the couch. Seeing that no one was starting to speak, I started to talk.

“Okay. Can you tell me about what you want to talk?”

"In first place… I wanted to apologize for leaving without saying anything the other night…” she said without wanting to look at me yet.

“Uhm, let’s just say I wasn’t surprised …”

“I know. I know you told me that night… ”

"Yeah, I did… that’s it?” .

I didn’t want to sound hurtful, but after avoiding me for a month I think that kind of explanation was unnecessary.

“Not. But I think I needed to start for that.”

Having said that, she dared to look at me. I could see her red and puffy eyes from crying. Dry tears were visible around her cheeks.

“Why?”

“Because I need to say that I… I don’t regret anything we did that night and maybe you thought I regretted it when I left without saying anything. And for saying nothing in all these weeks…”

"You know what I think. Or instead… what I feel or felt. I don’t know if I should say something else about it…”. I wasn’t sure if she expected me adding anything to the subject.

“You don’t have to say anything. This time I need to be honest with you. I ran away because I needed to clarify my head and feelings. I know I did wrong to push you like that, and at the time I didn’t know why I was doing it either. But now I know. Everything I said was about me, not about you. I was projecting my own hidden feelings on you…”

(Y/N) paused for a second. You could tell she was trying to regulate her breathing so she wouldn’t spit everything out at once. I tried to stay calm, although I still couldn’t understand where this conversation was going.

”… And I’ve been thinking about it a lot. I was afraid to assume I was using you to overcome my previous relationship. But it’s not that. How I feel about you goes beyond even what I might have felt for Darren in the years of relationship we had. And the truth is… the truth is I’m in love with you Spencer Reid… “

I’m not sure what my real reaction was to hearing that. But internally I felt I was short of breath. It was not true. It can’t be. She had made it clear with her actions before. She doesn’t love me.

”… And most likely it has been since the first moment I saw you. It’s just I didn’t allow myself that possibility because of everything I was experiencing at the time. I was starting a relationship, a new job. I didn’t want to ruin it. So I opted for our friendship. I was selfish enough to try not to lose anything I had. And in the process I hurt you and I still do. So I don’t think I deserve you. You have given everything for me and I have only given you my friendship… and it’s unfair, because I’d have liked to be able to give you much more than that. I’d have liked to be able to give you my love, I’d have liked to be able to give you a family like the one we had both dreamed of having on our own. To love you as you deserve it…”

(Y/N) stopped talking. I could see how tears started to flow from her eyes. I was tense with my hands on my knees and watching her intently. Was everything she was saying true? If I was getting it right, she loved me. Or she loves me. Or she loves me and thinks she is not worthy of me. It was always like this? I needed to make clear the point.

“Why do you say you don’t deserve me?… It’s why can’t you love me like I do?”

“No. It’s because I’ve been a coward all these years. Because I preferred the comfort of an existing relationship and didn’t dare to accept it was you. That it’s always been you. Spencer, you need someone fearless in your life… not someone who hides her feelings like me…”. I got up from the chair and sat next to her. I took her hands in mine.

“Hey!… I don’t need someone else. You are the one I need. It has always been you. It could not be anyone else…”. To the realization, tears also started to come out of my eyes.

“But I failed you. I hurt you …” she tried to contradict.

"Yes. But I think I can even to understand and accept it. What I can’t understand is why you keep fighting against yourself. You can’t continue to harm yourself by hiding from the rest of the people who loves you”

"Spencer, I promise not to do it anymore. If you let me, I promise to make up to you for all these years. I promise from now on I’ll show you every day how much I love you. I won’t hide it anymore… I promise. Unfortunately I can’t promise you a family like…”.

I cut her off immediately. I knew she was going to say and I didn’t want her torturing herself once more for that.

"It doesn’t matter now. You’re the one that matters to me. If we both are for each other, that’s the only thing that should matter…” . I opened my arms to catch her in the tightest embrace I could have imagined. I wanted to hold her with all my strength. She buried her head into my chest and squeezed me tight.

“I love you Spencer… I love you. I love you. I adore you. You’re everything to me. I don’t want to leave your side ever again…”. Her words muffling in my body.

“You know how I feel about you… but I can repeat it as many times as necessary. I love you too (Y/N). Very much. I truly love you, until the end of time”.

This time it was me who sought her lips. I had to show her that everything I said I mean it. I broke the embrace just to take her cheeks with my hands and capture the sweetest kiss I could express. She put her arms around my neck and deepened the kiss. While we were kissing we could feel the salt taste of our tears in our mouths.

If peace and happiness could happen at the same time. That was the time. It felt so good to kiss her. It felt so good to feel her touch. Now there was no rush. There were no things unsaid. There was no frustration. Every time we parted to catch our breath we couldn’t help but laugh like fools in love.

"Stay with me tonight,” I requested as I swapped kisses between her lips and the crook of her neck. My new favorite place.

“All nights you want me to stay. This time I’m not going to anywhere,” she replied as she threw her head back to give me better access.

"I need you (Y/N)…” I whispered, muffling my words with kisses.

“And I need you too Spencer. You are everything to me…” she whispered as she kissed my jaw.

"I want to hold you tonight and every night and day of my life…”. I confessed as my fingers got lost touching the skin of her bare back under her sweater.

“Now let me show you how much I love you…”

***

I don’t quite remember what it was that woke me up that morning. Only a little light peeked out from the curtain, which led me to suppose it was still early. I also didn’t want to look at the clock on the nightstand. My eyes only focused on the man who slept peacefully next to me. I kept my word and stayed. And it was better than I had dreamed of. I could stay like this forever without complaining.

I curled up next to him looking for his warmth on that cold morning. Spencer still asleep hugged me and pulled me to his body. The best feeling by far. I felt protected, loved. I belonged to that man utterly.

I didn’t fall asleep again when I felt Spencer begin to stretch and yawn. I opened my eyes and saw his eyes half open, with a loose smile on his face.

“Good morning …” he said in a raspy sleepy tone.

“Hey… good morning…” I replied as I ran one of my hands through his disheveled hair.

“You stayed…” he pointed out smiling.

“Just as I promised you…” I replied kissing his jaw.

Our moment of intimacy was broken when both phones started ringing at the same time. Penelope called Spencer and Emily called me. We had an urgent case. I was grateful at the time to have some clothes in Spencer’s place. He kindly let me take a shower before him, while he made breakfast.

I don’t know if it was the rush to get out of bed suddenly, but when I stepped inside the bathroom I felt dizzy for a moment. I had to sit in the toilet to recover myself. These weeks had been of many emotions, and the truth is I didn’t blame my body for expressing about it. I hadn’t treated it very well in the past few months, either.

I came out of the bathroom already dressed and while Spencer took his turn in the shower, I sat down to eat breakfast. However, the smell of coffee seemed too strong and uncomfortable to me. I couldn’t take it. Could it be I was already so intoxicated with coffee that my body was rejecting it? Perhaps it was a signal to start leading a slightly healthier life. At least I hadn’t lost my starving. I devoured the pancakes Spencer had made.

The case took us to Atlanta. A series of murders of women in wealthy neighborhoods of a locality happened. It wasn’t something we hadn’t seen before, but this unsub managed to produce scenes so explicit that not just any stomach could bear. That seemed to be my case, because every time I looked at the board with the evidence photos I felt enough sick that I had to go several times to the bathroom.

Prentiss noticed my discomfort and discreetly approached where I was sitting to ask me what was happening to me.

“(Y/N)… are you okay?… I have seen you uncomfortable throughout the case…”. Her face showed real concern.

“Em, I’m fine. Only my stomach has been a little disturbed these weeks. I guess it’s the stress… I don’t know.” I didn’t want to alarm anyone with something was possibly nothing.

“Why don’t you ask Hotch to dispense you this afternoon and you can rest?… with everything you’ve been through, your headaches and everything, maybe you need to take a few days off…”

“It’s not necessary, believe me. You’ll see I’ll be better in a few hours”. I answered confidently.

To prove my point, I got up from my chair to reach a file that was on the other table of the room. Unfortunately an intense dizziness caused me to lose my balance, leaning quickly on the table so as not to fall. But the dizziness didn’t go away and I finally ended up passing out on the same spot. The last thing I heard in the distance was Emily’s voice: “Hey, someone help me here!…”

I woke up in a hospital bed. I had a device attached to my finger that carried information about my vital signs to a machine. I no longer felt dizzy, but my mouth was dry and the bright light in the room made my eyes hurt. I looked next to me and saw a worried Spencer in a chair next to my bed looking at the floor, almost dozing off.

“Spencer …?”. He instantly raised his head to look at me. He stood up from the chair and came over to take a closer look at me.

“Hey!… how do you feel?” he hastened to ask.

“Fine. My mouth is dry… but fine. What happened?”. Spencer handed me a glass of water that was on the table next to the bed so I could sip a few drinks.

“You were with Prentiss in the meeting room and suddenly you passed out. We had a hard time trying you reacting. You opened your eyes a little and passed out again, that’s why we brought you to the hospital. They took samples and we’re waiting for results. Why didn’t you tell me you weren’t feeling well this morning? We would have told Hotch not to come to Atlanta…”

“I don’t know. It didn’t seem serious to me. I haven’t passed out until now… what do you think it is?… I’d say it’s stress. After everything that has happened…”. I could no longer hide I was getting a little worried about this situation.

"Perhaps. But we need to wait for the results…”

"And the case? …”

“Relax, it’s under control. The team are working on it. Garcia has already located a name and address. The arrest should take place tonight at the latest.” Spencer took my hand and smiled at me. “So calm down. Try to rest. I’ll be right here"

It wasn’t long before a doctor came in looking at a file with papers on it. I assumed it was my blood tests. The truth after everything that had happened in these months was already I beginning to hate hospitals, needles and blood tests.

“Good night miss (Y/L/N)… I’m Dr. Rogers. I bring you news about your tests. Before I would like to ask you some questions, if there is no problem with that” he said without looking at me and still focused on the documents in the file.

“Uh … okay. Just tell me I’m not dying or something like that so I won’t pass out again now…”. The doctor gave a smile, Spencer looked at me with concern.

"Don’t worry. It’s nothing severe. It’s just the amount of estrogens and progesterone in your system really caught my attention…” he said.

"Ah, that. It’s just… I underwent fertility treatment a few months ago. I spoke to my doctor when we realized that it had not worked and he said I would eliminate the excess hormones over the next weeks or months…”

"Exactly how long ago was that?”. The doctor asked.

“What?…”. Why he was so interested in my hormones? Could that be causing my body to react this way?

“I mean… when did your doctor notify you that your cycle had been completed without success?” he clarified.

“Ehm … maybe a little over four weeks …”

“And had it been more than a month since the insemination process?”

“Yes…”. The doctor grimaced, as if something didn’t fit in his head. Spencer intervened.

“What does this have to do with (Y/N) symptoms?”

“Well… it has a lot to do with it. Since in addition to estrogens and progesterone, her system has a high amount of gonadotropin . With that, I would have to say… congratulations, you are pregnant, miss (Y/ L/N)!. That would explain your dizziness, possibly your nausea, fatigue among other symptoms that you must be experiencing now.” With Spencer we both looked at each other with the same incredulous face.

“Doctor… I’m sorry, but you must be wrong. The fertilization didn’t work, my own doctor confirmed it…”

“I understand your confusion, but these tests was double checked. You are pregnant. Although it’s still a recent pregnancy for a sonogram, in one or two weeks you could have one and have at least an idea of the gestational bag. I recommend you when you return home to contact an obstetrician so you can follow the appropriate process and monitor your pregnancy, as well as to evaluate what supplements and vitamins you should take. For now, given the recent of this, take precautions until you can see your own doctor. And congratulations again. Now I’ll sign your discharge and you can go home.” The doctor was about to leave the room when a question spontaneously came out of my mouth.

"Doctor, excuse me… how many weeks do I have?”

“According to the exams… around 4 weeks.”. That said, the doctor left the room.

Spencer was speechless. Me too. That didn’t stop me from crying tears of happiness. What the hell had happened? I still didn’t get it. Spencer hugged me and I held on to him with everything I could.

“Tell me you heard the same thing I did…” I pleaded.

“I did. We are going to have a child (Y/N), we are going to be parents” Spencer confirmed, choking his own sobs of happiness in my hair.

Given my recent pregnancy, we decided not to say anything to anyone until we were sure things were going well, which in my case was doubly concerning. My best chance was supposed drained after the failed treatment and I was now pregnant. The world upside down.

We confirmed the conception did indeed occur a month before I passed out in Atlanta, which led us to the conclusion it had been a relatively "natural” conception, clearly supported by the amount of hormones that my body still harbored and a rebellious egg cell that was available right then.

It was the week 12’s sonogram. The excitement was such we couldn’t stop laughing and crying almost at the same time. Spencer squeezed my hand as we watched our little child in the computer screen. Listening to the heartbeat brought us the reality of what we were experiencing. I don’t know in which world I thought Spencer might not be a part of this. I could see how his eyes lit up every time he looked at my still flat belly. He wanted to be at all medical appointments. He worried about every indication the doctor gave me.

At work Spencer became even more overprotective. I was trying to keep myself out of the field discreetly, but it was already clear we need to tell the team what was happening. They had at least already realized our friendship with Spencer had reached something else. It was not unusual for us to be seen giving each other furtive kisses in the jet or in the BAU’s kitchen. I think I have never felt so in love in my life. It was as if fate was mending the path with me after so long. I was grateful.

That afternoon, with copies of the sonogram in hand, we decided it was time to tell the team. I asked them to meet us in the conference room. All with curious eyes as to why I had such an urge to speak to them. Spencer asked me if I was going to tell them everything. I nodded. They deserved to know. Although deep in my heart I was sure they already knew. But I wanted to be honest and not keeping secrets. I had made that mistake with Spencer and I almost lost him forever. I didn’t want it to happen again with those who I considered my family.

“Okay. First I want to thank you for staying a little longer today. It’s important to me to be able to speak to all of you…”

"Okay little mama, don’t scare us …” Morgan said.

“No… don’t tell us you’re leaving the BAU…” JJ interrupted with concern. The rest also had similar faces. Spencer was next to me and took my hand to encourage me to keep talking.

“No, is not that. I mean, not yet. Let me explain. As you know, when I joined to the BAU I had a boyfriend… ”

In the most summarized way possible, I told them everything. Just like I did with Emily months ago, I just needed to add some extra things.

“Perhaps none of us believe in miracles. I include myself in that group. The things we see daily make us lose faith in the human kind and the things beyond of human understanding too. But there are times when something happens and it seems that part of the precarious balance of life is restored. I feel that way now. And for three very special reasons: the first one, is because I have all of you. Because you have never lost faith in me, despite I went through my darkest moments in these years. The second one is this handsome _doctor_ here next to me…”.

I paused for a second to look at Spencer who was smiling at me. I squeezed his hand tightly and pulled it to my lips for a warm kiss. Then I continued speaking.

“This handsome doctor who never gave up on me nor let me give up on myself. For that and a lot of another things I love him with all my being. Well… and the third…"

I had a little trouble to continuing talking. The emotions were so strong at the time. I could see how some tears appeared in Garcia and JJ eyes. Hotch had glassy eyes as well. Rossi was smiling just as Emily. I couldn’t help but put my hand on my belly.

“… And the third, oddly, is the most _expected_ and _unexpected_ gift at the same time. I have to announce with great happiness that a _baby genius_ is on the way… ”

And so, shouts of joy exploded. Hugs and congratulations filled the room. I felt complete. Hopeful. I no longer felt alone. I was not battling windmills on my own. _Never again._


End file.
